29 September 2010

I'm too old for this

I worry to much I'm going to wash out due to my age. I'm currently, at the glorious time of writing this post twenty nine years old and by the Lords grace I'm not a year older. And I worry I'm to old for this job. This makes me really unhappy since I have a small boy and I wonder how I'm going to provide for him since I'm no good at anything else (well I'm mediocre at a lots of things, but that is nor here nor there so we are not going event to discuss it) and this is all I have for now.
I don't know a lot of developers older then me, a few older then forty and none older then fifty. I really do not know what is my future career plan. I generally planned to gradually move to an architecture design position, since I'm naturally inclined to it and its not a development heavy thing. As I grow older, and as people grow older, we cannot learn as easily and as much as we could before. New technologies emerge and if you want to stay in this job  you need to spend extra time learning them at your own. But later I just can't mange to force my self to find the computer time for it. Sure I read books and blogs, and pay really carefully to code examples for technologies I'm intereseted. Curretnly I'm reading WPF 4 Unleashed by Adam Nathan and Patterns of Enterprise Application Architecture by Martin Folwer, plus I've read the entire MongoDB on-line documentation. But reading is not enough, you got to feel the code bellow your fingers. You just got to. And I really don't to much.
During my holidays I was to washed out to do anything and I told my self its OK you need to rest. But when I got back to work it continued. Sure I started some small coding on the side for learning purpose, I started reading books and blogs and watching presentations but thats just not enough without coding.
What is going on with me you wander. I think a description of my life after work is in order. When I'm finished working I'm with my family helping with the kid, doing house chores the whole nine yards. I put the kid to the bed and around ten o'clock in the evening I'm done with everything. I then go to eat my dinner (yeah I know its kinda late for that, but thats life) take a shower and I'm free to do as I like. I so want to do some coding but when I just think of sitting in from of my computer, my internal will power just crumbles. So I just watch a TV show or read a book. Very depressing, and very unhappy like for me. And then I start to wonder, this is my age doing this to me. Before I didn't have problems with this. Before I could do this all night old. I'm twentynine years old and I can't muster the will power to do this everynight, whats going to happen in ten or twenty years. How I'm going to learn Java or Erlang, or any other technology I'm going to need?
I just don't know and I'm really not happy about it.

1 comment:

  1. Well i kinda know what you mean. With all ups and downs that life throws at you (like .net throws Null reference error all the time:), you have to be strong and wiling to keep going forward.
    If I may suggest something; try to find one goal, vision, project, that would drive and inspire you. Like building some application, web site, with new language or tools, and open sourcing it for example. Anything that could keep you focused, busy, and in the end, happy :)